There's Something About Sammy
by Roxy Surfer
Summary: A new exchange student is at Hogwarts and has a history with Ron. Harry and Hermione are on a mission to find out what it is, but will they ever acheive their goal? Please R/R!
1. The Long Lost Weasley

A/N: I hope you enjoy my little parody story here!! I think this chapter is kinda funny how Ron reacts to everybody!! Hehehe ^-^ This is probably going to be the longest chapter in the book, so if you don't like short chapters, well you're going to have to get over it!!   
  
Disclaimer: JK owns everything in here!! (maybe even the font!! lol) EXCEPT........Steven Brown, and Samantha, but other than that, JK is the goddess behind everything good!! I love you JK!!   
  
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So Welcome to .......... *cool theme music*   
  
~*^There's Something About Sammy^*~   
  
Chapter 1-The Long Lost Weasley   
  
"...And you wouldn't believe what my letter from Hogwarts said!" continued Harry as he filled Hermione and Ron on his summer. Her hadn't seen either of them throughout the whole summer. Dumbledore had found it to dangerous for Harry to stay with the Order, although, he had stayed there during the last two summers.   
  
He had missed Ron and the Weasleys it was almost unbearable. He didn't know how he had survived that long lonely summer at the Durstleys. But if it were possible, he had missed Hermione more. He missed the way she bit her bottom lip as she read with deep concentration, her gracefulness of being able to balance at seven books in her arms, the way her eyes could brighten up any room she was in, the way her smile melts his heart every time he gazes upon it, the way-   
  
"Well mate, what did it say?!" Ron had cut Harry's train of thought short.   
  
"What?! Oh, yeah, my letter. Oh I'm quidditch Captain-"   
  
"Oh Harry, that's excellent!"   
  
"Knew it would be you, mate, I mean you and me are the only seventh years on the team, and you've been on since our first year. So there was no doubt!"   
  
"You didn't let me finish," Harry said with a bit of teasing in his voice, "I'm also Head Boy!"   
  
"I'm so glad it's you! Imagine sharing duties with Malfoy!..." Hermione gave a little shiver while Ron and Harry laughed at the thought.   
  
After he had calmed down, Harry stared out of a window of the Hogwarts Express for several minutes. He watched neat little pastures of farmland past as he day dreamed of when he would be back to one of the few places he had ever called home.   
  
He was soon jerk back to reality by a knock on the compartment door. As the door slid open he saw it was the trolly lady. No one knew her name, well, her real name anyways, as everyone just referred to her as the trolly lady. She smiled sweetly to Harry as he picked out an assortment of sweets from the cart and paid her. With out saying a word, she moved on, still smiling.   
  
That's a great mystery of life, that is... , Harry thought to himself...   
  
But once again, his train of thought was cut short. With out knocking, the compartment door slid open to reveal Draco Malfoy and his two thugs, Goyle and Crabbe.   
  
"Well, well, if it isn't mad Mr. Potter and his poor, muggle loving sidekick, and you know where ever Potter is, the Mudblood isn't far behind."   
  
Harry and Ron jumped up at once. They knew a challenge for a duel when they saw one.   
  
"What...in the name...of bloody hell...did you just say?!" Ron was so mad, he could barely speak. No...he wasn't mad, he was beyond mad. He was furious.   
  
Hermione quickly grabbed Ron's robes and wand so he couldn't do anything to Malfoy. But that was a mistake. She should've grabbed Harry.   
  
Harry paused, only a second, before lunging himself at Malfoy. He started punching in the face over and over. His only goal was to bring as much pain to him that possible. I don't need my wand, thought Harry, I'll just beat the living crap out of him. And so he did. [A/N: BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! *insert evil grin here*]   
  
"Harry! No! Stop!" Hermione started towards Harry and Malfoy but stopped herself. She couldn't get there with out letting Ron go, which defiantly was not an option.   
  
Harry now had Malfoy pinned on the ground, still punching him. It went on like this for almost seven minutes.   
  
Soon Harry felt his anger subside and he stopped punching him. As Harry got up, he noticed Crabbe and Goyle were no longer there. I guess they're not as tough as people think they are, Harry thought proudly to himself.   
  
He looked over at Ron and saw Hermione had let go of him and given back his wand. He looked back at Malfoy, sprawled unconscious on their compartment floor, and looked to Hermione.   
  
"I'm sorry, I knew I shouldn't have lost my temper, but-"   
  
She gave him a confused look.   
  
"What are you talking about?" Hermione gave him a devilish smile. "He got what he deserved...but we do need to get rid of him. Imagine what people would say if they found out the Head Boy beat up a Slytherin Prefect?!"   
  
"They'd say he got what he deserved," This was the first time they heard Ron speak since his temporary insanity.   
  
"Well, yes...but we still do need to get rid of him. If he woke up, he'd go running to Snape." As she spoke, she made her way slowly to Malfoy to see if anything was broken.   
  
"Hermione! What are you doing?!"   
  
"Calm down, Ron! I'm just going to see if he's severely hurt." Hermione said with an exasperated tone. "Or should I just leave him to die?"   
  
"Well..."   
  
"You know that wasn't a question, Ron, you know very well how very strong Harry is!"   
  
Harry's heart leapt. She thinks I'm strong! He was suddenly listening with rapt attention, much unlike he had been doing five minutes.   
  
Ron knew Hermione had a point so he allowed her the privilege of looking at Malfoy in silence.   
  
Quietly, Hermione mutter, "Obliverate," while pointing her wand at Malfoy.   
  
She turned and faced Ron and Harry, who were both looking at her, "Well, do you want to wake him up, or wait for him to do it on his own?"   
  
Harry looked suddenly disgusted.   
  
"Get him now so he'll leave, I can't stand to be so closed to that fu-"   
  
"Alright. Alright!" Hermione could tell Harry was still absolutely furious with what Malfoy. But at least he was containing his temper, she thought.   
  
"Enervate."   
  
Malfoy's eyes flickered open. He wore a confused look on his face. As he got up stiffly, he eyed them all suspiciously and turned to leave but could not get by, as of two people were standing in the way. With out a word, he pushed his way through them both of them and left.   
  
Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood stood in the doorway in front of them with an amused look on both of they're faces.   
  
"What just happened here?" Luna made her way in and sat beside Harry.   
  
"Oh please, do tell! I would love to hear how Malfoy got two black eyes and a bloody nose!" Neville had obviously seen the outcome of the fight.   
  
Harry became very enthusiastic after that. He gave them a blow by blow recall how everything had happened fifteen minutes ago.   
  
Luna and Neville listened in awe and only when he finished did Neville speak. "Well, the prat deserved it!"   
  
Luna sat there not saying anything with a slightly uncomfortable look. It was only until Hermione realized Luna might not exactly share the Gryffindor dislike of Malfoy did she change the subject.   
  
"So Luna, where's Ginny?" she asked politely, though quite curious as Ginny would usually just drop in and say hi.   
  
"Oh! Umm, well," she eyed Ron, "she's with a group of boys."   
  
"What?!"   
  
"Ron, calm down," Hermione watched Ron's eye twitch and start towards the compartment door, but before he could go though, Hermione was standing in the doorway, his only escape...if you didn't could the window.   
  
"Get out of the way!"   
  
Harry wished he could transfigure himself to be two inches tall. He knew Ron well enough that if got his way, Ginny would live on a planet with no male specimens at all.   
  
"Ron, calm down," Hermione repeated.   
  
As Hermione spoke, Harry saw a gorgeous girl about their age stop as she was walking by, that he had never seen before. She had beautiful strait blonde hair that fell just past her shoulders, big, pretty, light green eyes, and was wearing a very surprised look on her face. The only other people who seem to notice her was Neville and Luna.   
  
"Calm down?!" Ron's voice was fiery with rage. "CALM DOWN?!?!"   
  
"RON, YOU SISTER IS SIXTEEN YEARS OLD!! SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF!!" Hermione put extra volume on her last word.   
  
"DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT MY SISTER CAN AND CAN'T DO!!!" He had known he'd won his row with Hermione because at his last words she felt very ashamed of herself for intruding on Ron's personal matters and it must've showed on her face because his face split in a wide grin, but that only lasted for a second.   
  
"RONALD ARTHOR WEASLEY!!! HOW DARE YOU TALK LIKE THAT TO SOMEONE WHO GIVES SUCH A DAMN ABOUT YOU SISTERS WELL-BEING!!!"   
  
Ron's face turned paper white as he realized that the gorgeous girl behind Hermione was the one shouting. She wasn't just shouting at him, she was screaming. Everyone around her started cowering, Hermione sunk onto the floor, Neville and Luna were clutching together with fear, Harry sat rigid in his seat. And Harry was almost positive that Ron had not noticed her until now.   
  
"What the bloody hell..."   
  
Everyone focused their attention to the mysterious girl. Hermione had turned around and slowly backed away and stood near Harry. Even the people outside were starting to form a crowd around the girl in the hallway, with Malfoy right in front.   
  
"Now," she started again with a lowered voice, "you know I could easily write your mum an owl about this."   
  
Many on lookers didn't think that was much of a threat. But those who knew Mrs. Weasley, knew just how sinister this actually was.   
  
"You wouldn't..." Ron was defiantly trying to hide the note of panic in his voice, but wasn't being very successful at it.   
  
"You know I would, Weasley," she said in a menacing voice. She started to turn around to leave, but before she left she added, "So don't tempt me." And with that, she turned and left.   
  
She had no trouble getting through the now silent crowd. Everyone seemed to have flattened themselves against the wall so she could easily make her make down the hall until she disappeared into a compartment.   
  
All at once, it seemed as if someone had just unmuted a TV as everyone outside started talking about what they had just witnessed. Ron seemed to have been paralyzed as he stood there shocked for several minutes until regained all use of ligaments and started towards the door and closed it making the noise outside sound like a bunch of angry bees.   
  
It seemed that nobody wanted to be the one who spoke first. Ron was now not the only one who was pale with shock as they stood there in silence. Both Hermione and Neville had become a pale shade of white. Luna had extremely abnormally wide eyes, even for her. Harry was the only one who didn't show any physical different. Although he did still was two inches tall.   
  
Harry sighed. It looked as though he would have to be the first to spoke. He hated having to talk to Ron looking so terrified and numb with shock because of what that girl had said to him.   
  
"So Ron, who was that-," Harry pause for a moment, "that girl?"   
  
Everyone looked at Harry, then all their eyes turned to Ron, waiting for an answer.   
  
"I hate her! I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!!" He ran to the door in two strides and punched it...hard, he didn't wince. It was as though everybody had made a silent agreement among each other through ESP because all of them didn't say anything until they arrived at the Hogsmeade Station.   
  
+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+   
  
As they finished the Opening Feast, none of the Trio had spoken. But as the food disappeared, Dumbledore stood up to make the start of term announcements. No one heard Ron mutter a soft "Eep!"   
  
"Welcome, to Hogwarts. Before you go to bed, I would like to bore you with some announcements.   
  
"First of all, as most of you know, it has become extremely hard to fill the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. But I found somebody willing to fill this position...again." He smiled at Harry, Ron and Hermione.   
  
"As some of the older students may remember, and for those of you who don't, may I present you...Professor Remus Lupin!"   
  
The Hall broke out in applause as Lupin stood up and gave a little wave.   
  
Many Gryffindors even did a few whoops. But as Harry looked across the Hall, he saw   
  
Malfoy just sitting there staring at his plate in disgust.   
  
"Yes, yes Remus nice having you back," as Dumbledore started his speech again, the noise faded, "I would like to also announce this years Head Boy and Girl...Mr. Harry Potter and Miss. Hermione Granger."   
  
This was no new news to any one, it was obvious who he was going to pick.   
  
This time, the only table that cheered was Gryffindor, while Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff clapped politely. Slytherin did nothing but scowl.   
  
As the noise died down once again, Dumbledore started again.. "I would like to remind you that no students are allowed into the Forbidden Forest and the use of magic in the corridors is not permitted.   
  
"Now I have some grave news to tell you all. One student in this hall has lost her family over the summer by Lord Voldemort," there were a few gasps at the mention of Voldemort, but Dumbledore paid no attention to them, "A mother, a father, and a brother. A brother who walked among us just only last year. I of course, am talking about the Browns." For the first time, Harry looked down the table and saw silent tears pouring down Lavenders face.   
  
"And yes, that means Stephen Brown is dead." Dumbledore hung is head gravely as there were assortment of gasps, sobs and hushed words. But Dumbledore continued, "He was a hard worker, a great friend, top in many classes, an excellent quidditch player, a brave Gryffindor, a loving brother...and a young man that had all that a long with a unlimited future ahead of him taken away from him at the age of fifteen. Lets raise our goblets to Stephen Brown."   
  
In unison, everyone in the Hall raised their goblets and murmured "Stephen Brown." Lavender was now sobbing uncontrollably into her best friend's, Parvati Patil, arms.   
  
"I am deeply sorry to you loss Lavender," he paused for a second, "and to all of you who have lost someone to the Dark Lord. I am sorry to get you all depressed but now I have a piece of very great news,"   
  
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled behind his half moon glasses, "and I promise you, after this you will be done listening to me tonight."   
  
Harry suddenly noticed the Sorting Hat was still out on the three legged stool in front of all of the tables, but he quickly forgot about that as Dumbledore continued. "As some of you may know, the Salem Witch Institute of the United States closed down due to Death Eater attacks. Students have had to relocate themselves to other magical schools. One of them has wished to join our number! I certainly had no objections so here she is sitting among us. Now although she will only have on year hear, we will have to Sort her won't we?!" he said happily and paused.   
  
It seemed to Harry, that they were finally going to learn who that mysterious girl is...   
  
Dumbledore drew his breath, "May I present, Samantha Weasley!"   
  
A few people clapped as she walked up the stage and put on the hat. But most were so shocked they did not know how to react.   
  
"But she doesn't have red hair!"   
  
"No freckles, none at all!"   
  
"It's not possible..."   
  
Ever since she had left her seat, Harry had noticed Ron as glaring at her. So it was clear to him, Ron did not find this news. There for, she could not have been some long lost half sister that possessed no Weasley genes what-so-ever in appearance.   
  
As soon as she put on the Sorting Hat, it had shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!!"   
  
Samantha got up, placed the sorting hat back on the stool and gracefully went back to her seat beside Parvati in dead silence.   
  
And all the while under the glare of her relative's piercing glare.   
  
Ron had not lied before, he had hated her. And Harry and Hermione had made a silent agreement to find out why...   
  
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A/N: Ok, so now you've read the first in stallment of TSAS so go and review!! 


	2. Green Eggs and Spam

A/N: Yeah I know it's been awhile and yeah this is a lame story but please don't hurt me! *runs and hides in the corner* I was reading the first chapter the other day and I found TONS of grammar errors!! I AM SO SO SO SORRY ABOUT THAT!! I will try to do better this time! Oh and by the way, yes I did come up with that song myself! *big grin*  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, nor do I own Dr. Suess ... *sighs and walks off looking defeated*   
  
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Chapter 2- Green Eggs and Spam   
  
The next morning at breakfast Harry, Hermione and Ron made their way down to the Great Hall only to find Samantha, Parvati, and Lavender sitting together.   
  
"I'm not hungry," Ron mutter, turned on his heel, and left hurriedly.   
  
"Wasn't he just going on about how hungry he was?" Harry said as they watched Ron exit the Great Hall.   
  
"Yeah, but I don't think that was the reason," Hermione quietly replied as she eyed Samantha Weasley up and down as they sat down across from them at the Gryffindor table.   
  
"Hey Roomie!" Samantha said cheerfully as they sat down.   
  
"Hey Samantha," Hermione muttered as she dished out her plate.   
  
"Call me Sam, Sammy, just anything but Samantha. It sounds too up tight for me. So tell me about yourself since you fell asleep last night before we could talk."   
  
"Erm, well I'm a muggle-born ... that's pretty much it ..." Hermione trailed off.   
  
"Hey," Harry cut in the conversation, "You're forgetting the part about being the best in our classes ... since first year!!" Hermione blushed.   
  
Trying to draw attention away from herself, she asked, "Ermmm, what's the deal, with you and Ron?"   
  
"Oh, Ikle Ronniekins?" she laughed, "Well, he's my little cousin."   
  
"You must not be too much older than him if we're all in seventh year," Harry inquired.   
  
"You're right, I'm only 7 months older than him. I was supposed have already graduated, but I err-, well, I failed my fourth year..." She blushed as she busied herself with dishing herself more sausage.   
  
"Mr. Potter, Miss. Granger, Miss. Weasley, here are you timetables." McGonagal had appeared at their side and passed Harry, Hermione and Samantha their schedules once she had their attention and moved on to Parvati and Lavender who were now gossiping on the latest Hogwarts couples.   
  
"You still haven't answered my question." Hermione said in a slightly annoyed voice, but Sam didn't notice.   
  
"Hmmmmm? Oh, yes. Well," but before she could finish her sentence, she sneezed.   
  
Immediately, she heard a unison of "Bless you"s from about ten different people sitting around them.  
  
"Well, you see," She started, "I guess-oh my!!" Sam was looking at the front of the Hall with wide eyes when there was a loud noise.   
  
CRACK!!   
  
Harry and Hermione, among every other person in the Great Hall, looked around to see where the sound had came from. Hermione spotted it right away, and nudged Harry, who was suspiciously eyeing the Slytherin table, and motioned for him to look towards the front of the Hall.   
  
There stood a very tall, gray cat, who was standing on it's hind feet and wearing a very large, red and white striped top hat. In the cat's hands, was a large platter of what looked like green mush and some revolting looking type of meat.   
  
Almost at once, the cat started to skip up and down the aisle of the long house tables offering what was on it's dish for the students and staff to eat. While it did this it sung a song:   
  
"Green eggs and spam,   
  
Green eggs and spam,   
  
Why don't you try some,   
  
Green eggs and spam,   
  
You may not like them,   
  
They're kind of old,   
  
A little moldy,   
  
And sort of cold,   
  
Inside you might find,   
  
Some stands of hair,   
  
Bits of eggshell here,   
  
Some strange lumps there,   
  
Those who've tried them,   
  
Gagged and coughed,   
  
Threw it up,   
  
And then ran off,   
  
There's a book about them, too,   
  
Green eggs and spam,   
  
But then again,   
  
It could be *ham*,   
  
So try my food,   
  
It might just be good,   
  
But to be safe,   
  
I'll knock on wood!"   
  
And as the Cat in the Hat sang the last line of his song, he knocked on the teacher's table with each word. The entire Hall stared at the Cat. Not even an amused looking Dumbledore dared to take a bit of the mysterious 'green eggs and spam'.   
  
Realizing that nobody wanted to eat his food, the Cat looked insulted. "You have insulted Dr. Suess!! HE WILL HAVE HIS REVENGE!!! The pissed off cat stormed out of the dead silent Hall, still carrying his green eggs and spam.   
  
Slowly, the silence broke, and was once again filled with the chattering voices of the student body. "What the hell was that?" Lavender said in a voice that was etched between amusement and confusement.   
  
Hermione answered her question almost immediately in an awed tone. "That was ... the Cat in the Hat ... a character in a kids book written by Dr. Suess..." she furrowed her brow, "But that doesn't make sense. The Cat in the Hat wasn't IN 'Green Eggs and Ham'..."   
  
"He said it was called 'Green Eggs and *Spam*," Parvati pointed out.   
  
"No, the book by Dr. Suess was called 'Green Eggs and Ham'." Hermione said in a dazed voice, as if she was now in her own little world.   
  
"Ron's going to be sorry he missed breakfast!" Harry chuckled to himself at the thought of Ron's face when he found out what happened in the Great Hall.   
  
Samantha checked her watch. "Well, I better go. I don't know how long it will take for me to find my classes." She got up and walked towards the exit doors.   
  
"We better go and help her..." sighed Parvati and motioned for Lavender to follow her.   
  
"What's worst still," Hermione said almost to herself, still lost in thought, "Is that we still haven't figured out why Ron doesn't like Samantha..."   
  
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A/N: Don't worry, Dr. Seuss won't be the only x over, there'll be more on the way. If you have any suggestions on other x overs you'd like to see in the story then please sent them to me through e-mail or a review. Speaking of reviews, please R/R and tell me what you think of my story. I don't mind flames, I could use 'em to make some s'mores! 


	3. Return of the Ferret

A/N: Yay!!! I got a few reviews for the last chapter!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings.......if I did, I don't think I'd be posting my story here!  
  
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Chapter 3: Return of the Ferret  
  
"I wish we had a holiday soon." Ron complained as he and Hermione made their way down the stairs of the castle and onto the grounds.  
  
"Ron! Today's the first day of school! We haven't even started lessons yet!" Hermione snapped exasperatedly at him.  
  
Behind them about 50 yards, Harry and Sam walked down the steps of Hogwarts. He had rescued her from having to visit Professor Trelawnly with Parvati and Lavender to see what classes she was 'destined' to go to today. Fortunately, Harry had pointed out that Sammy already *had* a schedule and it was almost the same as his so he and Hermione would help her get her where she needed to go. Looking slightly put out, they handed her over, and proceeded to Divination. [A/N: Lavender and Parvati both have Divination twice as much as Harry, Ron, and Hermione, becuz they're obsessed with Trelawney...and no, I don't care that it doesn't make sense (not a lot of things in this story do =P)]  
  
"So where are we going again?" she asked curiously noting that they were heading towards a hut in front a deep forest.  
  
"Care of Magical Creatures," Harry responded happily as they walked towards his favourite class.  
  
"Right ... and then," she glanced down at her timetable, "and then Charms is next ... right?."  
  
"Yeah."   
  
Harry and Hermione had talked more about finding out Samantha's past that morning after Parvati and Lavender had left. Harry had decided to try to ask her this time, while Hermione distracted Ron. That wouldn't be to hard on her part. All she had to do was explain what happened at breakfast.  
  
"Green eggs and what?!?!" Ron exclaimed after hearing about the incident that mourning.  
  
"Spam." Hermione said simply. *This isn't that hard ... just as long as he doesn't turn around and see Harry walking with Sam...*  
  
"So let me get this strait ... A cat in a hat appeared out of no where with some 'green eggs and spam', sang a song about them, trying to get people to try them, and then after realizing that nobody wanted them, left screaming a threat that Dr. Zeus or whatever is going to get his revenge."  
  
"Dr. Suess," Hermione corrected, "and yes that's about right. But the song was quite funny! You should've been there to hear it!"  
  
"Right ... so who exactly IS this Dr. Suess guy anyway?"  
  
"He's a muggle writer of little kids books. 'Green Eggs and Ham' and 'Cat in the Hat' are two of them."  
  
"I still don't get it." Ron and Hermione approached Hagrid hut with Hermione trying her best to get Ron to understand, not only because she felt the need to, but to bid Harry some time...  
  
"So, uh, you never ended up telling us why Ron supposedly 'hates' you." Harry said hoping he'll find out without any interruptions. They were now very close to the forest, and nearing where the Gryffindors and Slytherins usually waited for Hagrid. *I hope this doesn't take too long, only God knows what Ron's going to do when he sees me with Sam.*  
  
"Well you see," she said as she scratched her nose, "when we were-what was that?!" She turned and looked frightfully at the forest at the forest with her bright, big, light green eyes. "There's something there!"  
  
The closer groups of Gryffindors and Slytherins looked at Samantha in an odd way, as if she had said "The lepricon told me to burn things." [A/N: LOL!!! I got that from the Simpsons by the way!! (Ralph said it!)] But then Blaise Zambini of Slytherin suddenly exclaimed "Something IS in there!! I saw shadow move!!"  
  
This caused a chain reaction with the others who were there.  
  
"OH MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!" Seamus yelled insanely.  
  
"For God sake, Seamus, stop over reacting!" Hermione said sternly.  
  
"Do you think it eats meat?!?!" Parvati asked in a strangely high tone.  
  
"Oh of coarse it does! Why else would it be so close to the edge of the forest!!" Lavender responded in a shaky voice.  
  
"Before we all die, does anyone want me to kiss them as a last wish?" Dean asked sheepishly, but quite loudly, making sure he was heard.  
  
"Who'd want to kiss YOU, Thomas?!?!" Pansy Parkinson inquired.  
  
"Shut up! Everyone just shut up!! Neville pleaded, "It'll here us!!"  
  
"F-Finnigan already blew our chances there. It's-it's probably just Hagrid." Malfoy stuttered. Everyone who turned to look at him were shocked to see he had went white with fear.  
  
"Don't kid yourself Malfoy, Hagrid's bigger than that," Ron said, obviously trying to hide a note of fear himself, but had failed largely.  
  
Hermione decided this would be a good time to step in. "Everybody just calm down!!," sounding oddly like Percy, "I highly doubt that anything is going to happen, it's probably just a Thestral or something harmless like that!" She looked around at her classmates, turning her back to the forest, "Do you really think th-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" As Hermione had continued her speech, something had crawled out of the forest and grabbed her ankle.  
  
"M-my P-Preciousssssssssss!!" the green, mini troll looking creature croaked. "Where's my Precioussssssssss?"  
  
She ran to the nearest person and clutched the front of their black robes. Hermione felt shaky arms wrap around her in a comforting way.  
  
The creature had gotten up and stumbled around repeating the same things over and over. He seemingly tripped over a rock and landed on Pansy, knocking both of them onto the ground.  
  
"My Precioussssssss!!! Do you have my Precioussssssss?!?!?!" he asked, in the same crackly voice.  
  
Pansy didn't know who or what that creature was, but deciding that he wasn't friendly, she suddenly kicked him off of her, got up quickly and ran to the castle with arms flailing. As she ran, she was heard screaming at the top of her lungs in her screechy voice, "ATTEMPTED RAPE!! ATTEMPTED RAPE!! A DE-FORMED TROLL TRIED TO RAPE ME!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"  
  
Students still on the grounds before their classes looked up at the distressed girl. Some of them, recognizing Pansy, rolled their eyes and went back to their conversations. Others looked around fearfully, trying to catch a glimpse of the mysterious creature.  
  
Back where the Care of Magical Creatures stood still waiting for their teacher to come, the muggle-borns started to crack up at the sight of Pansy's outburst. A few of the others, (Gryffindors specifically), were starting t regain their wits. Harry, Ron, and Seamus started to try to curse it, but everything they tried didn't effect it.  
  
Meanwhile, Hermione was quickly regaining her composure. Reputedly letting go of her protectors robes, she looked up gratefully to see who they were, only to be shocked by finding a very disturbed looking Malfoy, who was currently gazing at the creature who had attacked her. "N-nothings working..." she heard him mutter. She turned her head so that she could get a good look of her attacker and burst out laughing with the other few who were laughing.  
  
"T-That's Gollum," she tried to say as she laughed, "he's from a book!" She started to laugh even more at the silliness of it all.  
  
Gollum who was still on the ground, looked up at them all giving them a hurtful look as he unnoticedly was pelted with an assortment of spells. Harry spun around at the end of an incantation at Hermione's words and his spell narrowly missed her and hit Malfoy instead.  
  
Everyone now forgot about Gollum and turned to where Malfoy was standing just an instant ago. All of them burst out laughing, Gryffindors and Slytherins alike, as they saw a white ferret bouncing up and down about 2 feet into the air, where Malfoy was last. No one saw Gollum walk back into the forest.  
  
Ron was heard saying, "It's the Return of the Magnificent Bouncing Ferret!!" At this, everyone laughed even harder (if that was even possible.)  
  
Hagrid chose this moment to return. "Sorry I'm late. C'mon I have a new creature for yeh' all. Hey, where's that Malfoy git?"  
  
Instantly, their was a quick shuffle of almost all the students to hide Malfoy from Hagrid's view. Harry's mind raced as he thought of an explanation, but as he did, he heard Ron say, "Well err-the last time I saw him, he-uh, was really white." The others around started nodding vigorously, trying to suppress their laughs.  
  
Hagrid caught a small sight of a white ferret that a appeared to be jumping up and down 2 feet into the air and suddenly understood. "Well, er- I guess one o' you Slytherins will have to fill him in on the lesson today," deciding to ignore what he saw and led them over to whatever new beast he had smuggled illegally onto the grounds.  
  
Hermione walked over to Harry, "Well, what did you find out?" she asked in a hushed voice, not wanting to be overheard by neither Ron nor Samantha.  
  
"Nothing, that ... what was it, Gollum, came out before she answered."  
  
"Damn. I guess I'll try next time, I don't know where I could ask her without interruptions though..."  
  
Harry thought of his classes when it hit him. "Transfiguration. There are never any distractions in McGanagal's class, she makes she of that."  
  
"Good idea, we have her tomorrow afternoon, I'll ask her then..."  
  
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A/N: Ok I know it's a lame chapter, but I like the next one better!!! If you have any suggestions for a parody I could do, let me know!! Now that you've read, why don't you review!! I don't mind flames, I could put some to use when I make my green eggs and spam tomorrow ... just please REVIEW!! 


	4. Monkey Boy and the Prince of Darkness

A/N: I'd like to thank MarMar2, Atiannala, Tugus, Pretti-Ducki, and sweet775 for reviewing!! I'd like to dedicate this chapter to them! And please, I know this is not accurate compared to the movie, but it is my story so :-P!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything that JKR or George Lucas does...  
  
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Chapter 4- Monkey Boy and the Prince of Darkness  
  
Ron had given another excuse to skip lunch in order to avoid Samantha once more that afternoon. But while he was telling Hermione that he wasn't hungry before dinner and that he was going to use his time to do homework, his stomach grumbled rather loudly. Hermione rolled her eyes and dragged Ron to the Great Hall saying that he didn't have to sit near Sammy.  
  
Ron chose a seat near a tight group of first years that was quite far away from where Sam was sitting. Moments later, they were joined by Harry. As he sat down, he went to begin eating, but found that no food was there yet. Harry gave Ron and Hermione a quizzical look, but his attention was taken away as Dumbledore stood up.  
  
"I have a bit of an announcement before dinner today. As some as you know, there is now two *unusual* characters roaming around the school grounds. I'd like to inform you all that both are from muggle fiction books. The cat you have all seen this morning, is called Cat in the Hat." Ron snorted but Dumbledore continued his speech, "Later this morning, there was a sighting of a creature that appeared to be a, what was it, a 'deformed midget troll'. That is, in fact a creature named, Gollum. The staff has tried to remove both of them from the premises, both with magic and with out, but lets just say it didn't quite work. They both said something about being insulted," Dumbledore coughed and then continued on his speech, "So if you see either of them, please do not provoke them. Now why don't we all eat our dinner before another parody character disturbs us." Dumbledore clapped and suddenly the food appeared in front of them.  
  
"I wonder where they came from..." Hermione wondered out loud.  
  
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The next morning there were no more sightings of 'the Cat', [A/N: From now on, I'm going to call Cat in the Hat, 'the Cat', ok?] Gollum, or any other parody character.   
  
"You don't flick your wand, Ron, you have to swish it, and you're saying the incan-" Hermione was interrupted as the bell rang to leave the Charms classroom. "I have to ask Professor Flitwick about that essay we have to do by Friday. You guys go to Transfiguration, I'll catch up later." Ron shrugged, gathered his books and left the room with Harry following him.  
  
As they walked down the Charms corridor in silence, Ron commented, "She's never going to change, is she?" he said as he sighed. Harry however knew the real reason she had stayed behind, she needed to talk to Samantha.  
  
"I don't think so..." Harry replied to his best friend. But as their conversation went on, Hermione was waiting in the classroom for Samantha. She was busily gossiping with Lavender and Parvati about how Terry Boot and Hannah Abbot had apparently broken up. *God, it's like they're all related or something, all they ever do is gossip!* Hermione thought angrily, *How am I EVER going to get a word in with her with them chatting up a storm?!* But fortunately, luck was on her side.  
  
"Miss. Patil, Miss. Brown? May I see you in my office?" The tiny professor asked in his squeaky voice. All three of them turned around to look down at Professor Flitwick.  
  
"But professor, what did we do wrong?" Parvati asked in the most innocent voice she could make.  
  
"I have already caught both of you passing notes for the fifth time this week," He replied sternly, which was actually quite funny, since his voice was so high pitched. Even Hermione had to do her best not to laugh. "Please follow me, ladies."  
  
Hermione watched as Lavender and Parvati disappeared into Flitwick's office leaving Samantha behind. She turned to find Hermione still there and walked over. "You're going to Transfiguration next, right? I'm not quite sure how to get there."  
  
"Just follow me that's where I'm going." Hermione and Sam walked out the door and proceeded to McGonagal's classroom. She agreed with herself that she wouldn't ask Sammy quite yet. She didn't want it to seem that that was all she cared about. They walked in silence until Sam asked quietly, "You like Harry don't you? I mean, more than a friend."  
  
Hermione went red, it was true. She had had a crush on Harry for while now but didn't act on it, afraid that it would ruin they're friendship. But then again, being in Draco Malfoy's arms yesterday wasn't so bad either.... "No, err-why would you think that?" She asked as she continued as her face continually turned into a deeper shade of red.  
  
Sam laughed, "I don't worry, your secret's safe with me, uhmmm, where are we going?" she added as she looked around finding themselves in an unfamiliar corridor.  
  
"Uhhhhhhhhh, I don't exactly know, I've never been this way before. We better find our way to class before the bell ri-" Again, Hermione was cut off by another bell, this time signaling that class has started. "I guess it doesn't matter now, we're late." Hermione sighed. They wandered around the castle for nearly 15 minutes until she finally recognized the staircase leading to the Astronomy Tower. "I have good news and bad news..." Hermione quietly said as they turned around.  
  
"Lets hear the good news first." Samantha said cheerfully.  
  
"Ok well, the good news is I know where we are. The bad news is that we're on the completely opposite side of the castle and 3 floors above of where we're supposed to be. It'll probably take about 10 minutes to get there and McGonagal is definitely going to give us detention for being a half an hour late." They continued towards Transfiguration while discussing what McGanagal was going to make them do. After a while it got pretty far-fetched, such as, "Maybe she'll make us be house elves for a day in the Slytherin common room!" or "Or maybe we'll have to give the Giant Squid a bath!" By the time they were upon entering their class, they were in fits of laughter.  
  
"May I ask you ladies why you are giggling as you walk into my class inconsiderably late?!" McGonagal asked as her mouth went thin. The entire class looked up to look at them as they put down their wands, obviously today had been a practical lesson. Ron ogled at the wide-eyed as he refused to believe that the famous Hermione Granger, the worlds most smartest witch that had best attendance record, was late to class. Not to mention a half an hour late at that.  
  
"We got lost and ended up by the Astronomy Tower!" Sam replied coolly.  
  
"A likely story. I would have definitely not expected this of you Miss. Granger! Both of you will receive a weeks worth of detentions starting this evening, are we clear?" Hermione and Sam nodded their heads as they took the only two remaining seats that happened to be next to each other at the back of the room. "We are attempting to turn quills into monkeys, [A/N: I love monkeys!! And I act like one sometimes, too!!] so far nobody has been successful." McGonagal said sternly as she informed the two of them what they were doing in class. She sat down behind her desk and started to grade papers.  
  
"I don't think she believed our story." Samantha whined as she pulled out a quill and her wand.  
  
"Oh well," Hermione sighed and got to work on her quill. She could ask Sam later. Right now, she had to concentrate on the task at hand.  
  
Forty minutes later, no one yet had been successful at transfiguring their quills into monkeys. Until there was a loud pop. Everyone looked around to find Harry had transfigured his quill, but it wasn't quite a monkey. On the table in front of Harry, sat a miniature Ron who had to be at the most 3 feet tall. Ron stared at his 'mini me'. Mini Ron stared back.  
  
Professor McGonagal sighed, "I suppose that's close enough to a monkey for me. Full marks, Mr. Potter." With that she waved her wand and Mini Ron disappeared with another pop.  
  
Ron made a sudden outburst. "Hey! Why'd you do that?!?!"  
  
"Because this school has already had a pair of Weasley twins, we don't need another pair for quite some time!"  
  
"But he wasn't my *twin*, he was my *clone*! And are you implying I resemble a monkey?!?" Ron whined in a exasperated tone while throwing his hands into the air in frustration. Most of the class looked shock that Ron actually had the wide of a vocabulary.  
  
"Don't worry professor, I see the similarity between the two," Samantha said from the back of the class, not troubling to keep her voice down. Quite a few people laughed at this comment, though they were mostly girls, including Hermione.  
  
"Alright, settle down everyone!" McGonagal said sternly, "And would you kindly get back to work?" As soon as the words left her mouth, everyone complied to her request, though Ron looked quite insulted, who was currently eyeing her moodily.  
  
But all of this reminded Hermione that she still had a task to do, other than her class work. *This is perfect! This way she'll think that I reminded of this because of that comment she made about Ron! EXCELLENT!!* [A/N: Sorry about that 'EXCELLENT!!', it's an inside joke to everyone who has read 'Dude, Where's My Nimbus 2000'] "So Sam, you never did tell me why you and Ron don't get along." Hermione waited for Sammy to answer her. A few seconds later, Hermione showed her impatience with a, "*Well*?"  
  
"Oh! You're actually asking me! I thought you were just making a comment." she said sheepily, the sighed. She started telling Hermione as she sat there scratching her nose. "Well when we were both - OH MY GOSH!" There had been another popping noise. Everyone turned to look, expecting to see another Mini Ron. But as soon as the pop had ended, there were many other noises, almost like a computerized swishing.  
  
But to everyone's disappointment, there wasn't any Mini Ron. There at the front of the class, sat a very white Neville with wide, fearful eyes, which were fixated in front of him, beyond his desk.  
  
At the very front of the class, stood two men, one in white robes, one in black robes. The one wearing the black robes was wearing something between a black knight helmet, and a gas mask. Every breath he took was magnified into a steady *heeeeeeeee whoooooooooo*.  
  
Both were holding a highly decorated foot long metal rod with light protruding out of the end, much like a sword. The man in white's sword was blue, the other was red. Both were swishing their lighted wands madly at each other.  
  
Everyone watched with wide eyes, and mouths open. But the two men seemed oblivious to their surroundings. As they continued their duel, the man in the white knocked the other's weapon out of his hand. The man in black backed away from him.  
  
"*heeeeeeeeeeee whooooooooooo, Luke, I have *heeeeeeeeeeeeee whooooooooooooo* something to *heeeeeeeeeeeee whooooooo* tell you. *heeeeeeeeeeee whoooooooooo*" He said in a deep voice.  
  
"What?" the other said threateningly.  
  
"*heeeeeeeeeeeeee whooooooooooo* Luke, I am *heeeeeeeee whoooooooooo* you father! *heeeeeeeeeee whooooooooooo*"   
  
Luke blinked. "I'm listening..."  
  
"*heeeeeeeeeeeeee whoooooooooo* Isn't this the *heeeeeeeeeeeee whoooooooo* part where you *heeeeeeeeeee whooooooooo* scream 'NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'? *heeeeeeeeeeeeee whoooooooooo*"  
  
"I *said* I'm listening!" Luke said in a what seemed like an annoyed tone.  
  
"*heeeeeeeeeeeee whooooooooo* Uh, ok ..." the man was obviously thrown off by his son's attitude. "*heeeeeeeeeeeee whoooooooo* Well anyways, *heeeeeeeeee whoooooooo* do you want to *heeeeeeeeeeee whooooooooooooooooo* join the Dark Side *heeeeeeeeeeee whooooooooooooo* and become the Prince of *heeeeeeeeeeee whoooooooooooooo* Darkness? *heeeeee whoooooooo*"  
  
"SURE!! Being a Jedi is so boring!! I love you Darth Vader! I mean Dad!!" He said as she flung his lighted sword aside (that narrowly missed Seamus' head) and hugged his dad.  
  
By now, the students looked as if they didn't know what to think. It was then that Luke and Darth Vader noticed where they were.  
  
"Uhhh, where are we?" Luke asked.  
  
"*heeeeeeeeeee whooooooooooo*I don't know.*heeeeeeeeee whoooooooo*"  
  
"I say we kill them all!" Luke laughed insanely.  
  
"*heeeeeeeeeee whooooooooo* Be patient son. *heeeeeeeeee whooooooooooo* We must first come up with a plan that will never work that somehow leads to taking over the universe and killing them all at the same time ... oh yeah *heeeeeeeeeeee whooooooooooooooo*"  
  
"Ok, whatever you say Dad!" Luke said happily and skipped out of the class, closely followed by Darth Vader with his robes billowing behind him, which reminded the students heavily of Snape.  
  
Nobody said anything for quite sometime, until Ron said in a quite shrill voice, "What was that all about?"  
  
Dean answered his question. "It was two characters from Star Wars ... how that's not what's supposed to happen ... how did they get here anyways?"  
  
"The last I saw was Neville trying to transfigure his quill..." Lavender said quietly.  
  
By now, McGonagal found her voice. "I-I am going to the Headmaster's office to inform him of what has happened. Everyone is not to utter a spell of leave this classroom until the bell rings," she glanced at the clock, "Which will be any second now." And with that she left her class.  
  
Immediately after she left the class was filled a buzz of talk.  
  
"I still don't get what happened!" Seamus complained.  
  
"Well I don't know what else to tell you!" Dean replied innocently.  
  
"What if we're all going to die?!?!" Ron said fearfully.  
  
"Oh of course we're not going to die, Monkey Boy." Sammy said as she rolled her eyes.  
  
"Who asked you?!?" Ron shot back.  
  
Samantha opened her mouth to tell him off but the bell rang, and there was a rush of students that swept them all into the hall. She rushed to catch up with him to give him her retort, leaving Harry and Hermione there in the middle of the Transfiguration corridor. "We should go to lunch," Hermione sighed.  
  
"Did she tell you?" Harry asked anxiously.  
  
"I would have told you if she did," she responded gloomily.  
  
Harry gave her a sympathetic look, grabbed her hand, and intertwined there fingers. There eyes met for a second more than what was necessary. Hermione felt her heart skip. *Oh my god...*. Harry was thinking along the same lines, *Wow her hands are so soft! And she has the prettiest eyes ... Erg! Don't think like that Potter! She likes you as a FRIEND!!*. Harry looked away. "We should probably go and save Ron..." he trailed off as he started to walk down the hallway pulling Hermione along behind him.  
  
Hermione certainly didn't exactly feel appreciated being pulled down a corridor. But this action only led Hermione to other thoughts. *Ohh...*, she thought as her heart sank, *he only wanted to grab my hand to drag me around to find Ron ... How could I be so stupid to think that he would like me of all people?!? He could have anybody!!*. She was pulled back to reality with Harry's voice, "I think I see him. Uh oh, this doesn't look good, he has his wand out and is pointing it to Sam. We go and rescue him before he starts puking up slugs again..."  
  
"Sure..." Hermione replied dully and let herself be pulled towards the crowd of people who had now gathered around Samantha and Ron.  
  
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A/N: I decided to throw into romance to complicate things a little! ^-^ But fear not, all you anti-romance people!! I'm not going to make that a huge issue in the fic. Please review this fic!! I work so hard on it and all I ask is that you review!! and if you want to suggest a parody, please feel free to tell me, oh and if you want to be notified when I update any of my fics, just tell me!! but don't for get to review!! 


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